The Rape of Wintergreen

Its been a good weekend. To get everybody up to speed, 2 weeks ago I took a major recovery week after a hard 5 week block. Since then my rides have been suckin fat balls: incomplete intervals, exhaustion, lack of motivation, tired legs, loss of appitite, mood swings, bloating, and the passing of vaginal fluids. Some say its overtraining, some say PMS... Coach tells me its a common occurrence in highly trained athletes and is part of the "periodization" process i.e. in another week or 2 I will start having my best form of the season and that the symptoms I'm experiencing hes experienced year after year directly before his best career results. Naturally I was dubious as this rational doesn't quite make sense but my orders were to keep the training short and intense and stick this shit out.
Hokay, so...I sign up for the VA State uphill ITT Championships at Wintergreen. As you can see from the map, the start line is in a lush green landscape full of joy and joyness, and the finish, a brown desolate rock of pain and torture.Naturally I am confident that im gunna suck it bad as my training has been suckin it bad. There were many points during the preceding week where I was half tempted to get my Grant Patterson boots on and bail on that shit like its the Titanic; nevertheless, I could be found at the base of Wintergreen Mt. on the cold morning of May 5th. To get in a good warmup I crawled my way up Brent Mountain 2 or 3 times making sure not to overexert myself before the race. During the warm up I was noticing a crisp snap in my cadence that I had not seen in about a month...this could mean good things, but while going all out up a mountain, anything could happen. At 10:57 I rolled down the ramp and began the TT. The first few miles were false flat with a few pitches leading up to the Wintergreen Resort entrance. At the start I gave a good 1 minute effort to get up to speed then settled in at threshold to see how my legs felt. The results were unbelievable; I continued to edge up my watts past threshold power to see where my barrier was, but it kept going up until I was rolling at about 380watts. I felt amazing but knew that 380 was 50 watts above my tested LT and it could not be sustained for the 35 or so minutes I predicted the climb would take me so I brought it back down to 360. Then the shit show started...upon entering the resort the scene got ugly, the road turned up to a painful 15% grade time and time again. There were points where I had my chest on my bars to keep the front wheel on the ground. From the get go I was wading through riders like they weren't moving...rookies ...I could see their confidence dwindle as many a rider walked his/her bike up the pitches, watching me rise out of the saddle to show them how a pro owns a mountain! 36 minutes and 28 seconds later I hammered across the finish line. I had set a new PR for myself: my 20 minute threshold was 10 watts higher than I had thought and my Functional threshold was also about 10 watts higher. Exciting news for a rookie pro. My confidence was quickly shattered upon seeing that I did not have the fastest time of the day. That privilege went to Ian Ayers of the Rite Aid pro cycling team. He threw down a course record, beating his own by 10 seconds, of 33:42. I looked down at my gut hanging over my jeans and knew that if I weighed 151 and not 159 I could given Ian a run for his money...guess its lettuce and water for the post race meal . Regardless I had the second fastest time of the day and won the Cat 3 race. Got a sweet champion jersey out of it too
Well...guess it time to keep hittin this diet to try to lose this excess poundage. Hopefully a nice fat Cat 2 upgrade comes from this win. later suckas.

Go Big or Go Home

By now some of you have probably heard how the first mountainbike race of the season went, but I'm going to give you a full account anyway...

The season kicked off with the Dragon's Back XC race out in Craig County, VA (near Roanoke). This seminal event marked the first of the Virginia Mountainbike Series, back in its full glory for the first time in many years. The weather gods, however, weren't as excited about the series as I was apparently, as I awoke at 5am on race day to a biblical deluge blanketing the tidewater region and extending all the way to the mountains. Mark and I quietly questioned both our sanity and our chances of surviving the day, while loading the car. Then we grabbed a stockpile of coffee and promptly hopped on I-64 West in search of adventure.

By the time we got to the race venue at 10, the rain was letting up a bit, and was even nice enough to hold off until I crossed the finish line. In true W&M style, neither of us warmed up, and I was the last person to toe the start line. Apparently nobody else did either, and the entire sport class agreed to party pace the prologue, which was a nice change from a normal chaotic sprint start.

The first singletrack of the day was the 2 mile climb up to the ridge, which I hit in about 3rd place in the Sport field. About 5 minutes into the climb, I had shed the rest of the guys like a tear and was halfway through the Vet and Masters guys before I looked back. I remember thinking to myself "Hmmm...maybe I won't lose for once". Mark had worked his was up to 2nd in the meantime, and was doing a hell of a job blocking for me, until I got hung up behind a slower group of Masters dudes on a tight section with no room to pass. Over the top of the ridge, Mark, myself, and C-ville Kyle were back together, rounding out the Sport top 3.

The downhill off this first ridge was tons of fun, smooth with lots of swoooooopy tight switchbacks...I hit the bottom first and Kyle and I boogied down the fireroad together, back to the base of the climb, where I dropped him and started to catch up to the Expert field. Once I passed my Expert bro Kirby, I knew I was rolling...I managed to keep it together for once (despite the gnarly 2nd downhill, which was in serious need of some saw work) and come across the line just as the first drops began to fall, 9 minutes ahead of Mark in 2nd place!

Our only reward was a bush league medal (no podium bunnies either), a long drive home in poochy weather, during which Mark nearly fell asleep and killed us, and a crack in my beautiful new bike:


Surprisingly, even this didn't bring me down off the victory high, so I upgraded to Expert ASAP, hoping to get my ass handed to me at my next race so I can go back to feeling absolutely shitbag about myself...I was starting to develop a dangerous amount of self-esteem there, which can't be good for anyone. Like Bob Roll says, nothing propels a bike faster than self-hate.

overtraining

i felt this was appropiate for most of our readers...

BoUnCiNgSoUl33: on the other hand, i'm very happy my training regimen of pounding girl scout cookies, beers and blondes is working out
IrishTriHiker: wow
IrishTriHiker: wow
IrishTriHiker: wow
IrishTriHiker: an outstanding statement
IrishTriHiker: you make me so proud
BoUnCiNgSoUl33: clearly its the path to victory
BoUnCiNgSoUl33: i can't do the tagalong cookies though, they make me sick to my stomach and unable to carry out phases 2 and 3 of my training plan

Harris-Roubaix

So an epic training block just came to a close yesterday. The block started with a 80 mile ride over 7 mountain ranges with 11,000 ft of climbing....it then continued with some scouting of acclaimed gravel roads, culminating in the race of races; the 2007 Harris-Roubaix. For those who are ignorant to the ways of classic American races, the Roubaix ranks up there with the Tour of Georgia, Tour of California, and the US Pro Championship in Philly. The Roubaix this year was a 16.1 mile loop consisting of 9-10 punchy climbs, 2,000 ft of climbing per lap (3 laps), sketchy deep gravel turns and chicanes, long wide open gravel descents where racers can reach speeds up to 40mph reducing the margin of error to near zero. The Roubaix this year saw the return of past heroes Jeremiah Bishop and Nick Waite. The race was also graced with names such as Justin Spinelli, and Dan Bowman who race professionally for Kelly Benefit Strategies/Medifast. Other personalities such as FaggyBro Kyle Lawrence, Chris "don't let friends ride Fuji" Clark, and Julie "ill eat your children" Gliesing. As well, the presence of pro legend Chris Scott sent shudders of fear through the peloton. What most weren't anticipating was the performance of Dark Horse rookie pro, Andy McKeegan, who by the end of the day would be laying on the hurt like butter. Those scared shitless out of racing the Roubaix were the MoutieScum himself, eating extraordinaire Blake 'Shrek" Walker, and the pro himself: Bailin Grant Patterson.

The cold April morning saw a race attendance in the 40s. The race went off and immediately selections were made, the lead group after the first major set of climbs were Andy McKeegan, Jeremiah Bishop, Nick Waite, Justin Spinelli, Dan Bowman, Chris Scott, Kyle Lawrence, and a foof whose name is unknown. The KBS/Medifast crew began to turn the screws to urge attacks from Bishop and stretch out the group. About half way through the lap McKeegan lost his traction into a gravel turn and had to correct into a driveway, costing him minutes to get back on course. Rear group stragglers Clark and Lawrence zipped by heckling McKeegan's lack of bike handling ability. Little did they know McKeegan got himself out of the rut and began to bridge back to the group. At the bottom of the first major gravel decent Clark of the Hungarian team YoBro presented by Gamecube was seen laying all over the road like a dead ox. Media coverage has provided us documentation of the incident

McKeegan then caught and dropped Lawrence and the foof who were a good mile behind the pro element. The bridge was successful and the group was whittled down to 6 riders. On lap 2 McKeegan again tripped up his shit and was sliding around a turn, at that moment a wave of attacks emerged from the KBS/Medifast team blowing the group apart and leaving only Waite, Spinelli, Bowman, and Bishop in its wake. Forward officials tell us Bishop attacked the group into a gnarly gravel turn and put a minute on the KBS boys. The KBS team flatted during the chase and were surprised to see the McKeegan Express with Chris Scott in tow come flying by shortly after. KBS promptly shot their lead rider, Waite, to snag the back end of group and the chasing of Bishop ensued. By the end of lap 2 Bishop was ahead by minutes with McKeegan and Waite working together to drop some minutes. At the beginning of lap 3 the ant used his superior climbing skills to put McKeegan in the red and make the bridge solo. Waite put 2-3 minutes on McKeegan before he was forced to stop and repair flat damage 4 miles from the finish at which point McKeegan flew past at a blistering place, securing himself a podium finish if he could hold off Chris Scott which he did by about 8 minutes. The final times for the 2007 Harris Roubaix were
Jeremiah Bishop: 2:21
Andy McKeegan +10:00
Chris Scott + 18:00

-have you talked your trash today? ohh the shittiest trash!-

Spring Training

Well it’s certainly been a while, but seeing as how bike racin has started up again, I figure its about time to give y’all an update. The second annual Tidewater Winter Classic went off without a hitch, although we’re still waiting for the money to roll in. Predictably, Hopkins and their cadre of exceptional toolish roadie fags complained incessantly, in person and on their website…one can only hope that karma insures their whole team is hit by a bus on a training ride.

Now that Andy has publicized the secrets of his early season training, I feel like I shouldn’t leave people wondering how the Mountie Scum is preparing for race season…so I’ve compiled a sample week out of the resistance training phase of my 2007 training plan, complete with illustrations:

Monday
10am: Sleep through class to shake off the mug night hangover
2:30pm: Attempt race-pace mountain bike ride, crash.













Tuesday
1pm: Intervals with this guy:












4pm-8pm: Work at the bike shop; tasks for the day include assembling one beach cruiser, playing with the shop dog, and begging free cheeseburgers off the restaurant next-door.


Wednesday
1pm: 45 minute to an hour easy ride
2pm: Attempt to haze freshmen with Sparks and Cuban cigars, end up hazing myself
8:30pm: Awaken on the couch, covered in cigar burns and orange splotches
9pm: Consume entire large pizza topped with ham.












Thursday
off

Friday
3pm: embark on two hour road ride, seek out all gravel roads in the Williamsburg area
7pm: exchange cycling shoes for drinkin’ boots.











Saturday
9am: Early breakfast















10am: Team photo shoot (for the sponsors)















2pm: “Mountain” bike ride

Sunday
6:45am: Arrive home, remove drinking boots
7am: Get underclassmen to drive me to the race
9am: Race some bikes, make some friends, get dropped.












This is a new plan this year, I think it’ll get my five-second power nearly up to that of the Roadie Fag and hopefully I’ll crack into the top six myself in a race soon!

Mountie Scum

Today I received this after waking up from a sinus infection induced nap...

BoUnCiNgSoUl33: dear andy
BoUnCiNgSoUl33: i hazed my underlcassmen with sparks and vanilla vodka at 2pm this afternoon
BoUnCiNgSoUl33: i just woke up
BoUnCiNgSoUl33: my drinking boots are hung up
BoUnCiNgSoUl33: p.s. please come down to the TT and crit this weekend, we will fuck up some nigga's day and eiffel tower bitches

Ryan Leo Delaney, I love you

Roadie Fag. A Synopsis

Roadie Fag - rō'dē fag – noun. One who participates in or universally supports acts of road racing and its surrounding subculture. Activities include: incessant chatter discussing road bike frames, components, and wheels; the weights of said objects, efficiency, and capabilities to “drop” training partners. Roadie Fag tendencies also include narcissistic behavior in relevance to body type, leg definition, body fat, food, and “roadie styles” i.e. ‘I don’t ride with a saddle bag because it makes my bike look slow’ – ‘I will only ride 23 size tires because 25s and 28s look fat and slow’ True roadies exhibit an acute obsession with training and recovery; especially wattage ranges which they discuss openly with ‘non cyclists’ who according to popular opinion don’t give a goats fuck. Training techniques, sleep, food, recovery techniques and procedures, training ‘speeds,’ race tactics and euro-style hairdos are also heavily ingrained into roadie culture.

With this I begin: Race season has been up and running for a good month. Nevertheless, not only racing has emerged from its winter slumber. My roadie fag tendencies have also escaped the winter thaw in tact. My hair has been ‘hawked to match that of acclaimed FDJ sprinter Baden Cooke. My bike will not longer be taken on gravel roads for it must be spotless for the races. Reacquiring a good tan is just as important as training. Eating after 7 PM is taboo (most nights). Heavy drinking has all but dwindled to a trickle of its former off-season glory. Stretching and napping immediately follow rides rather than ransacking Harrisonburg. Most importantly, watts, watts, and more watts consume my daily thought.

There is no doubt that I have become much stronger than last year. I can attribute this to the ability of my excellent coach, my drive to succeed, and beastly genes. Since the end of last summer I have increased my LT by 30 watts. Yes 350 watts at threshold is not outstanding, but it is for someone who has only been seriously training for 15 months. Its also good for my weight of 150lbs. With the onset of race season my base training has dropped a bit and the intensity has rocketed. After a month of intensity the big miles are starting to slowly climb back up to match. It’s nice to see improvement. Greg Lemond said it best “it never gets easier, you just go faster.” It’s true; I’m finding myself capable of producing higher interval wattage at the same PRE i.e. I can now throw down a 5 minute power of 415 watts on flat roads where as before I could only achieve that 5 minute power slamming up a mountain and dying. Anyways, I have become increasingly frustrated by the fact that all my current w/kg numbers are in the Cat 1 range except for my sprint. It’d be great if you could get Cat upgrades based on good numbers and good faith…that’s just not the case. I busted ass all winter to improve this sprint; lifting weights, eating protein, hill jams, power stomps, over-unders, sprints. The best 5 second power I’ve been able to hit is just UNDER 1100 watts. To put this in perspective my good friend and professional roadie Nick Waite can throw down 1200 watts for 5 seconds, any day, any time. You have to know Nick to understand why this is pathetic; Nick is approximately 5’4 and weighs no more than 130 lbs. To put things in perspective I have the fast twitch muscle fibers of a sloth….maybe one of the giant sloths of prehistoric times, but a sloth nonetheless. It’s terribly annoying, I’m too afraid to attack and attempt a break for fear of getting spit out and having a terrible result, but sitting in and waiting for the sprint is worthless. My best result of the year so far is a 6th place. All the results have been sprints but 6th was special because with 100m to go I was second and had a gap. I sprinted my ass off and was promptly passed by a few dudes one of which is a 110lb 6 foot tall 15 year old…this promptly crushed my confidence and I was nipped at the line by some Honduran fuck for 6th. Later while downloading my files I took at look to see how my sprint went. Five second power of 947 watts. I went in the bathroom and cried alone for a few hours.

Looks like I have no option but to throw down and pray for the best….until then I suppose ill go, well, work on my sprint. I could also dope, but then Id be like those other guys...Boonen, Virenque, Landis, Riis, Basso, Ullrich, Armstrong. No one wants to be like those guys...

Below is a excellent example of roadie fagness. This critique actually happened…

these are the legs of Tom Boonen, thought by most to be the best sprinter in the cycling today.

compare these to the legs of Michael Rasmussen. Considered one of the best climbers of modern cycling.

As you can see, he needs to eat more...

Here is an excellent example of the homoerotic and narcissistic behavior of a roadie fag....this picture was my desktop background for a good month

and this is Lance Armstrong.

And this is me comparing myself to those other guys...yes those are just boxer briefs. Gay? maybe....

And this is shot I caught of the Mountie Scum leaving Dollar General. As you can see he's let himself slip a bit

I hope he can get his shit together for race season...