Roadie Fag. A Synopsis

Roadie Fag - rō'dē fag – noun. One who participates in or universally supports acts of road racing and its surrounding subculture. Activities include: incessant chatter discussing road bike frames, components, and wheels; the weights of said objects, efficiency, and capabilities to “drop” training partners. Roadie Fag tendencies also include narcissistic behavior in relevance to body type, leg definition, body fat, food, and “roadie styles” i.e. ‘I don’t ride with a saddle bag because it makes my bike look slow’ – ‘I will only ride 23 size tires because 25s and 28s look fat and slow’ True roadies exhibit an acute obsession with training and recovery; especially wattage ranges which they discuss openly with ‘non cyclists’ who according to popular opinion don’t give a goats fuck. Training techniques, sleep, food, recovery techniques and procedures, training ‘speeds,’ race tactics and euro-style hairdos are also heavily ingrained into roadie culture.

With this I begin: Race season has been up and running for a good month. Nevertheless, not only racing has emerged from its winter slumber. My roadie fag tendencies have also escaped the winter thaw in tact. My hair has been ‘hawked to match that of acclaimed FDJ sprinter Baden Cooke. My bike will not longer be taken on gravel roads for it must be spotless for the races. Reacquiring a good tan is just as important as training. Eating after 7 PM is taboo (most nights). Heavy drinking has all but dwindled to a trickle of its former off-season glory. Stretching and napping immediately follow rides rather than ransacking Harrisonburg. Most importantly, watts, watts, and more watts consume my daily thought.

There is no doubt that I have become much stronger than last year. I can attribute this to the ability of my excellent coach, my drive to succeed, and beastly genes. Since the end of last summer I have increased my LT by 30 watts. Yes 350 watts at threshold is not outstanding, but it is for someone who has only been seriously training for 15 months. Its also good for my weight of 150lbs. With the onset of race season my base training has dropped a bit and the intensity has rocketed. After a month of intensity the big miles are starting to slowly climb back up to match. It’s nice to see improvement. Greg Lemond said it best “it never gets easier, you just go faster.” It’s true; I’m finding myself capable of producing higher interval wattage at the same PRE i.e. I can now throw down a 5 minute power of 415 watts on flat roads where as before I could only achieve that 5 minute power slamming up a mountain and dying. Anyways, I have become increasingly frustrated by the fact that all my current w/kg numbers are in the Cat 1 range except for my sprint. It’d be great if you could get Cat upgrades based on good numbers and good faith…that’s just not the case. I busted ass all winter to improve this sprint; lifting weights, eating protein, hill jams, power stomps, over-unders, sprints. The best 5 second power I’ve been able to hit is just UNDER 1100 watts. To put this in perspective my good friend and professional roadie Nick Waite can throw down 1200 watts for 5 seconds, any day, any time. You have to know Nick to understand why this is pathetic; Nick is approximately 5’4 and weighs no more than 130 lbs. To put things in perspective I have the fast twitch muscle fibers of a sloth….maybe one of the giant sloths of prehistoric times, but a sloth nonetheless. It’s terribly annoying, I’m too afraid to attack and attempt a break for fear of getting spit out and having a terrible result, but sitting in and waiting for the sprint is worthless. My best result of the year so far is a 6th place. All the results have been sprints but 6th was special because with 100m to go I was second and had a gap. I sprinted my ass off and was promptly passed by a few dudes one of which is a 110lb 6 foot tall 15 year old…this promptly crushed my confidence and I was nipped at the line by some Honduran fuck for 6th. Later while downloading my files I took at look to see how my sprint went. Five second power of 947 watts. I went in the bathroom and cried alone for a few hours.

Looks like I have no option but to throw down and pray for the best….until then I suppose ill go, well, work on my sprint. I could also dope, but then Id be like those other guys...Boonen, Virenque, Landis, Riis, Basso, Ullrich, Armstrong. No one wants to be like those guys...

Below is a excellent example of roadie fagness. This critique actually happened…

these are the legs of Tom Boonen, thought by most to be the best sprinter in the cycling today.

compare these to the legs of Michael Rasmussen. Considered one of the best climbers of modern cycling.

As you can see, he needs to eat more...

Here is an excellent example of the homoerotic and narcissistic behavior of a roadie fag....this picture was my desktop background for a good month

and this is Lance Armstrong.

And this is me comparing myself to those other guys...yes those are just boxer briefs. Gay? maybe....

And this is shot I caught of the Mountie Scum leaving Dollar General. As you can see he's let himself slip a bit

I hope he can get his shit together for race season...